


Two fingers

by MadeinCydonia



Category: Formula 1 RPF, Rush (2013)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-25
Packaged: 2017-12-29 17:04:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadeinCydonia/pseuds/MadeinCydonia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1976. The first time they sleep together, it's pure, animal, vicious sex. The second time, they make love with a renewed sort of reverence. There is no third time because they both freak out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Something is changing

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, so this is the first time I post a fic here so I'm a little bit nervous, but that's story's been stuck in my head for a couple of weeks or so and I'm glad it's finally out in the world. (You can say it sucks, I promise I won't be too offended (maybe a bit)).
> 
> The first chapter is basically smut all along, so if you're not comfortable with that, I suggest you leave or wait for chapter 2 for a bit of plot. 
> 
> The story has not been beta-d and English is not my first language, so any remaining mistake is mine.
> 
> I do not own the characters, which are based on the the movie Rush, and not on the real persons, as I don't know them. I also hope the real Niki Lauda never finds this. The titles are borrowed from the song "Two fingers" by Jack Bugg.
> 
> OK, enough with the talking, hope you enjoy, see ya !

 

 

  
_I drink to remember, I smoke to forget_   
_Some things to be proud of, some stuff to regret._

_***_

The sun has gone down for a few hours now, but the hotel is far from silent. Someone knocks violently at its door and Niki knows it can only be him. It wouldn't be the first time after all. Hunt seems to have made it a habit of his to come to his room before a race when he hasn't find a woman or two to warm his bed. Or after he's done with them, that is. Which is quite surprising, really, but Niki doesn't want to spend too much time examining why Hunt chooses to spend his drunken nights with him rather than in some random vagina. Judging by the urgency with which its door is treated, Niki concludes that Hunt must be in quite a state, two, maybe three drinks. He sighs, leaves his bed, doesn't bother to put a shirt on and opens the door to a nonetheless somewhat decent blond. Hunt flashes him a smile and enters the small room, not waiting for an invitation. Another sigh leaves Niki's mouth before he picks up two glasses and a bottle of scotch from a cupboard.

 

“You know me so well” smiles Hunt.

 

_Yes._

 

“Shall I ask why you're here ?” They sit down on the small couch in the kitchen-leaving room. Niki doesn't mind the smallness of the hotel rooms, most of the time, but in this moment, he's wishing James and he wouldn't have to sit so close. James lights a cigarette, offers one to Niki who declines.

 

“I'm bored. I thought you would be too, all alone in your room, so I came to entertain” answers Hunt with a wink.

 

Niki hopes that Hunt is not trying to flirt with him because that would be plainly ridiculous but noy beyond him, after all. He pours large dose of alcohol in the glasses, and Hunt whistles, surprised. Niki is not usually that prompt to drink before races.

 

“Any plans for the night ?”

 

“Yes. Sleeping so I can kick your arse tomorrow while you're hungover.”

 

“Ah Niki, you know very well that's not going to happen. Tomorrow's is my race”

 

“You always say that. You do not always win.”

 

“Perhaps, but I'm going to ruin you so much tonight that you won't even be able to sit straight in your car tomorrow”

 

This time, Niki laughs, a real, loud, frank laugh that surprises Hunt. Usually, this line, even when he says it as a joke (like just now, obviously) leads to a dark blush from the receiver and if there is a laugh, it's a nervous and timid one. But then again, Niki is not most person and never ceases to surprise him. Which perhaps explains why they're always drawn together. They both need to go faster and further than anyone has before, share a lack of interest for anyone but themselves and a great deal of pride too. They also manage to always get what they want, in their own way, and maybe that's what tonight is about. Get what they really want but that they are too stubborn to acknowledge they need it.

 

It's not the first time James comes visiting Niki in the dead of the night, but this night is not any night either. Tomorrow is not any race. Tomorrow is the German Grand Prix at the Nürburgring, the most dangerous race of the year. All the pilots know that it might be their last night. Let's at least make the best it.

 

Niki and James are sitting closely on the couch which is unusual enough for Niki. James, of course, is always touching people, always messing with Niki's hair, always trying to make him feel uncomfortable. Always failing of course. Niki's a bloc of ice that never melts against Hunt's burning flame. Niki suddenly remembers he's not wearing a shirt. He's not cold, not exactly, not with James so close but he's not comfortable with so much proximity and doesn't want James to think anything of it. James catches his arm when he attempts to stand up.

 

“Don't bother”. They both stay still for a moment as Niki stares at James' hand holding tightly his arm. He sits back on the couch but the hand doesn't leave his arm.

 

“Wouldn't want you to get jealous” states Niki. He's not exactly muscular, and certainly not as handsome as James, but he knows all his work out and obsession with being somewhat healthy give him a decent body.

 

James jokes and mocks his “rat body”, and the awkward moment is gone. As the hours pass, they talk and talk, and laugh, and make fun of each other, and empty a glass, then a second. At this point James is _very_ present against Niki's shoulder, leaning more and more toward Niki's chest. Niki knows James must be quite drunk by now, since he has started to drink before coming to Niki's, but he doesn't mind, not really. To be fair, Niki is not exactly sober either. They're silent for a few minutes after Niki finishes his third drink, and at that point James' head is very much resting on Niki's left shoulder, as if he was going to fall asleep right there. James is breathing deeply, inhaling Niki's odour, his cologne, a tinge of fuel and something that is typically Niki and as so, feels wonderful to James. Niki thinks about pushing James away when he feels something wet and hot and pleasant at the junction between his neck and his shoulder. He shivers as he realises that the something is James' tongue. His tongue, his lips, his teeth. Niki becomes aware only now that James' hand has left his arm and is now on his knees, and going up toward his groin. _The alcohol_ , _it's the alcohol. It feels good because I'm drunk. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's James doing it._

 

“I want you” whispers James.

 

“Shut up. Wanker” answers Niki, but his voice is shaking and a moan escapes his lips when James bites him at just the right spot.

 

“I know you want me too”. Niki can feel the ghost of a smile against his neck as the blond palms lightly Niki's growing erection. _Well, fuck it then_. By a clever twist of leg, Niki pushes James away, turns him around and manages to sit on his lap. He presses his hardness against its twin in James' pants and forces his mouth against James' mouth, teeth clashing, tongues fighting. As ever, they are battling and nothing about those kisses are tender. The way their mouth somehow fit, you wouldn't believe it was their first kiss. Doesn't look like a first kiss either, not in Niki's experience at least. His body _does_ want James and Niki is quite happy to ignore his mind shouting it's the worst idea he's ever had.

 

“Fucking fucker, you're wearing way too many clothes” says James while unfastening the brunette's belt.

 

“And you're the one with the shirt” chuckles Niki.

 

Not for long fortunately. After a bit of fumbling with clothes, they end up in just their pants, rutting helplessly against each other, kissing relentlessly, hands everywhere. Niki leaves James' mouth for a moment, attacks his neck and follows a path going south, leaving purple marks on his way. Kneeling in front of James, Niki mouths James' erection through the already wet pant of his rival.

 

“Stop teasing, you fucking German” gasps James when he realises Niki is in no hurry to go further.

 

“I'm Austrian” answers Niki while he gets James' pant out of the way.

 

“Whatever, get on with it.”

 

“Ask for it.”

 

“No fucking way, no, you're not, oooh”, the end of the sentence is lost after Niki licks slowly the length of James' cock before taking the head gently in his mouth.

 

“I'm sorry, I didn't get that, what did you say ?”

 

“I'm going to kill you if don't get back to it.”

 

“Ask for it, Hunt.”

 

“Oh for fuck's sake.” It's a torture really. Niki's lips barely touch James' shaft, it's at the same definitely not enough and oh, so promising. But is it worth a begging ? The clever tongue catches a drop of pre-come and Niki swallows it like it's the best thing he's ever tasted. He closes his eyes, gasps, almost making a show of it. When he opens his eyes, his pupils are blown and James is staring with such a wanton expression, it's endearing, really.

 

“Please please please, Niki I need y” James' last word is lost in a low moan as Niki really gets down to business. It's not perfect of course, rather messy and awkward actually, but it's Niki, and that's already doing a lot for the blond. James is lost in a torrent of feeling and doesn't dare to open his eyes as Niki's hot mouth goes down on his length, afraid he would lost it and come too fast. And God how he wants it to last. Niki seems so be everywhere, in all the good places, and if there's a bit of clumsiness and choking at the beginning, James doesn't mind, likes it all the most, even. He has had women who were really, really good at this, but this was not any woman, it was Niki, _his_ Niki and so much better than just a quickie in a dark alley. James has always found that enthusiasm makes up for lack of skills. And Niki's enthusiasm is driving him closer and closer to this edge. He doesn't realise his hand is pulling on Niki's hair and that he is thrusting into Niki's mouth until Niki suddenly pulls away.

 

“The next time you do that, you can fuck off and leave my room.” That said, Niki is maybe as eager as James to finish what he started. It's amazing, really. James is coming undone under his mouth and that is glorious. To be sure his point has been made, Niki scratches his teeth lightly on James' length which elects him a high moan. James likes the pain then. Good, something to tease him about later. After a few minutes, fingers are back on his head, but this time, it's James who attempts to pull him away.

 

“While this is very nice, there are some other things I have in mind, so you have to stop now.” manages the blond. Niki gets back on his lap and attacks his lips again. James' cock is leaking pre-come against Niki's belly. Niki takes hold of his rival's hard-on and James loses conscience for a while as Niki strokes, strokes faster.

 

“Nikiii.. I want you to fuck me. Please, please, fuck me.” But Niki doesn't stop stroking until James comes hard in his hand with a spasm. They're both breathing heavily, Niki's forehead resting on James' right shoulder. Niki registers only now what James has just said.

 

“Aaaah yes. God yes. Bed. Now”.

 

They manage to leave the couch, still kissing like there's no tomorrow, panting for air and bumping into walls and furniture on their way. James pushes Niki on the bed, lends on top of him and starts touching Niki's chest, mapping the muscle, the scars, the sensitive spots with his teeth.

 

“Tell me there's lube somewhere” whimpers Niki. A low moan escapes his lips as James takes his left nipple in his mouth and bites, hard. Satisfied with the reaction, James keeps on licking and kissing Niki's upper chest. After a few minutes, when Niki's reduced to nothing but pure want, he stops to answer Niki.

 

“In my trousers' pocket.” says finally James, lazily.

 

And of course James would come equipped. Was it all set up then ? Did James come here with sex in his mind ? Niki disregards the thought and focuses on James' lovely arse as the blond stands up to grab the lube. It takes him a minute to find the little bottle, throw it at Niki and rush back in bed to kiss him, again and again. They're both trying to leave as many marks of teeth as possible, at the same time wanting to please and to hurt. Niki is amazed to see that James is hard again. James smirks at him and goes back on exploring his mouth. Teeth clash and it's not gentle, far from it, but they wouldn't have it any other way.

 

“So you're the one who'll have trouble sitting tomorrow.”

 

“Shut up.” Niki's cold fingers encircle James' hole, making him gasps with need. One finger steps in, the middle one.

 

“Interesting choice of finger.”

 

“Personal fantasy.” smirks Niki.

 

“You've thought about it then ?” Niki doesn't respond but pushes a second finger in James' arse and begins to thrust and scissors the delicious tightness. The rubbing of James' cock on Niki's is charming, really, and Niki has to focus on the fingering part if he wants to last a bit.

 

“I'm fine, Niki, go on. I want you in”, gasps James.

 

“Ever done that before then ?”

 

“Afraid I'll break ? None of your fucking business Lauda.”

 

“I want nothing more than to break you” says Niki with a sudden frankness.

 

James feels Niki's fingers leaves his arse but the pressure comes back quickly when they're replaced with something way bigger. Niki is not exactly big, not like James is, but he's wider and despite the jokes, James would very much like to be able to walk normally in the morning. James leans toward Niki to kiss him lightly on the lips. He takes deep breaths as Niki murmurs in his ear to relax. They fumble a bit to find the good position, but eventually they stay just like that, James on top, trying to go down on Niki's cock. When the head passes the ring of muscles, they both let out a deep moan. James stays tense all the way till he feels Niki's balls brush against his cheeks. He can feel every veins and every subtle movements Niki makes. The mix between pain and pleasure is wonderful. Niki takes back the control immediately and rises to reverse their positions. Now it's James who's lying down on the bed and Niki who's in position to lead the rhythm. Niki puts a pillow under James' back to elevate him a bit and spreads James' legs to get a better access. When James asks Niki to let him get use to it, Niki only chuckles and begins to move immediately.

 

“Oi !”

 

“That's for the mess you've made at the British Grand Prix” pants Niki with a deep thrust. His movements become quickly erratic and James is clearly annoyed now, but when Niki brushes _that_ spot inside James, the blond sees stars and begins to meet back Niki's thrusts. Niki's swearing loudly in German, something that James didn't know could be a turn on, but Christ, it is. Niki leans to bite at James' neck as James scratches his nails helplessly on Niki's back. James starts to mumble inaudible noises as he's coming closer. Niki must feel it because he encircles James' cock between their stomach and lock their eyes. They stay like that for a couple of minutes or a couple of eternity, none of them know, until Niki cries :

 

“Come now, fucker”

 

“No way. James Hunt never comes first, and anyway I already did. Go on rat, tell me how you love my arse.”

 

“I have to admit” Niki pants “it's probably your best asset. Lovely. But I'm certainly not one of your stupid girls you can boss around. Come. For. _Me_. Now”

 

Finally all it takes is the quick flip of a thumb against a head and a tuck under the balls and James comes undone, splitting white spurts on his and Niki's stomach. Niki can finally let go after having holding back for what seems like hours. What does it for him is, at the same time, the look of utter pleasure placarded on James' face, the surrender in his eyes and the way James' arse tenses around his cock. He withdraws and comes with a cry as soon as he's out. None of them utters a word after that, they just lay here, panting, afraid they would break their strange harmony if they start talking. Eventually, James stands up to get clean up, throws a look at Niki that the brunette interprets as “if you want something you'll have to get it yourself”. Back in bed, James lights a cigarette and blows the smoke towards the ceiling. It's oddly erotic, finds Niki. He shrugs.

 

“Cliché, much ?” Smiling knowingly, James throws the packet at Niki, who catches it and lights a fag too. He doesn't indulge often, but this one was needed. In times like that, he can understand the burning need for nicotine. Blue smoke invades the room.

 

“Please don't bore me with some kind of sexual or romantic crisis.”

 

“I didn't say anything, rat.”

 

“You're thinking. That's annoying. Now I'm going to sleep.” Niki stubs out the cigarette on the nearby ashtray. “You can stay if you're able to stay quiet.”

 

Niki's asleep before James has time to answer. James shrugs, must as well sleep here. Admittedly, he _is_ tired – who would have thought Niki would wear him out that much – and staying awake would make him soon feel how intimate Niki and he were just a moment ago. He drinks a last glass of scotch, grimaces at the pain he feels with each step he takes. He lays down in the bed, turning his back to Niki. They may have fucked, but they would certainly not be cuddling like love birds. James is asleep the second he closes his eyes, exhausted from all the alcohol he drank and the violent séance of sex.

 

He's not sleeping for long though. A couple hours later, he's awake and not willing to go back to sleep. At all. True to his reputation, he's not done with his partner just yet. What wakes Niki up is either the firm hand sliding slowly around his erection or the hot breath against his neck, or the heat radiating from James' body, pressed against his back. Anyway, it's a very nice awaking indeed. Feeling Niki's breath speeds up, James whispers a low “hello” that sends shivers down Niki's spine, and Niki wants to answer, wants to tell James to get lost and to let him sleep but the only sound that leaves his mouth is a needy moan as he ruts into James' hand.

 

“Look at me”

 

Niki manages somehow to turn around and face the smug smile of James. Smile who soon disappears under Niki's lips, who kisses and bites and licks, slowly, languorously, endlessly until James is also reduced to a pure ball of want. James doesn't know what's weirder, that Niki likes kissing so much when he is always so cold and contained usually, or that James is so keen on being the target of said kisses. It should be another random intercourse and James shouldn't care. But of course, it's Niki, and despite popular, and probably Niki's, opinion, he _does_ care, more than he'd like to admit.

 

James breaks the kiss just a second to say “I love it when you're not talking. You should do it more often” which results in a dark glare.

 

“Maybe you should try it sometimes” retorts coldly brunette.

 

“Hey calm down love, I didn't mean...” the end of the sentence never actually leaves his lips because he's too busy analysing that fact he just called fucking Lauda _love_. And apparently, it's a chock for Niki as well, since he's looking at James with a mix of horror and something that James would have called sadness, but it's _Niki_ , so probably disgust or something close. When he realises they have both frozen, James opens his mouth to apologize and jokes about it but Niki closes the few inches between their mouth, kisses him with a roughness that shakes James from his stupor. Hands fumble all over. Niki's right hand grabs and pulls on James' hair while the left scratches the blond's nipples. After an instant of hesitation, James groans at the sudden contact and squeezes Niki's cock. Meanwhile, Niki's right hand has gone south and has taken hold of James' erection, trying to find a good angle to stroke.

 

“Wait, I, I _need..._ ” James moves Niki's hand away and grabs them both in his hand and it's just the contact they didn't know they needed, until now. They want it to last forever, this peaceful pleasure, yet they know it won't. It's too good, the right amount of pressure, of friction, and it's just them, it's raw, pure and perfect.

 

“Look at me” pants James, again, and Niki opens the eyes he didn't know he had closed. Their eyes meet and James keeps on stroking their cocks together. They're breathing each other breath, unable to look away. James marvels at all the emotions he sees in Niki's eyes, emotions that are usually locked down and well hidden while Niki admires the handsome features of James' face, as if he's only realizing now how _God damn_ beautiful James is. The frankness of James' smile makes Niki's shiver and it's not as unpleasant as it should be. They don't know if they only see what they want to see, but it doesn't matter because they're getting close, both of them. This shared moment of paradise is about to end. James' hand speeds up on their cocks, squeezing and stroking until they're both panting for air, foreheads stuck, eyes locked. Their cocks are glistening with pre-come, sliding together perfectly. Then it's suddenly too much. James _feels_ Niki's orgasm, at the way his movements become desperate and erratic, before he actually _sees_ it. It sends him over the edge, seeing his rival coming so undone. Earlier, James didn't have the time to really enjoy Niki's climax but right now he has it right under his eyes, the sheer abandon and the low moan of something that sounds like his name. It's gorgeous really. So gorgeous that he's coming as well, the air leaves his lungs and he can hear nothing but white noise and the beating of his heart. When he finds the courage to come down to Earth, Niki is looking at him with an unreadable expression but James is too tired to analyse his rival's weirdness. Instead, he cleans the white come off their hands and bellies with a piece of sheet. Niki doesn't push James away when he leans close to him, steals a last kiss and fells asleep on him. To be fair, he does hiss a little.

 

The first time they sleep together, it's pure, animal, viscous sex. The second time, they make love with a renewed sort of reverence. There is no third time because they both freak out.

 


	2. Dark alleys in my own head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after, things are not quite the same. And then of course, Niki almost dies and everything goes to hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... I don't know what happened there but this chapter is way darker than the first (not that hard considering the first was smut). Also I know close to nothing about the F1 world so I'm pretty sure I got all the wording wrong  
> This will probably not be very fun to read, not much dialogue and the constant change in POV may be disturbing. Tbh I have spend so much time editing this chapter it's a bit of a blur. Also prepare for angst.
> 
> Lyrics and titles from Two fingers by Jake Bugg.
> 
> Enough with the self-deprecating stuff, see you hopefully at the end !

 

 

_So I kiss goodbye to every little ounce of pain_

_Light a cigarette and wish the world away_

_I got out, I got out, I'm alive and I'm here to stay_

  
***

Niki wakes up at 7 am, his usual time, slightly hungover, but as ready as he always is to face the day. The nightmare starts when he hears James snore and every single thing that has happened during the night comes back before his eyes. Everything, the alcohol, the sex, the sex again, the disdainful closeness of them sleeping together. Determined not to let basic feelings overwhelm him, he leaves the bed, quickly, silently and goes for a shower. And many, many glasses of water. He is grateful for James' blissful sleep, he can't deal with him right now. He can't face James treating him like one his girl he can take and throw away when he's done. He leaves the flat at 7:30 and decides to let the night behind him and to move on. If he seems a bit dreamy at the ritual check of his car, no one comments it. The morning goes by like nothing happened. Niki _has_ to convince himself that nothing happened and that he certainly should not feel nervous at the idea of meeting James in the morning. They have a race this afternoon, the most dangerous race of the year, and he must focus on his work. He watches the mechanic takes off his usual tyres and puts specific tyres on to face the storm starting outside.

 

 

 

***

 

When James wakes up, it's past 10 am. He's late, of course, but unlike Niki's, his team doesn't wait for him to get the car ready. He notices that Niki he must have left a long time ago since his side of the bed is already cold. His head is aching, nothing unusual so far, but his arse is also burning and that's a new sensation. His smile at the memories vanishes when he realises that he'll have to drive like that. He can barely walk, even getting out of bed is a hardship. He wonders for a moment if he will feel that dull pain frequently from now on. Niki is not like the random girls he pick at parties, they see each other almost everyday. Niki is probably the person that knows him best. Will Niki want to do it again? He's quite sure it was enjoyable for both of them, and yet Niki has left without waking him up or letting a note. It's almost like he was never there, the room is clean and tidy and no one could guess Niki Lauda and James Hunt has had tremendous sex mere hours before.

They'll probably have to face the consequences one way or another, or at least talk about it, but worrying about hypothetical consequences is not something James usually does, so he goes to the bathroom, turns the shower on and washes the coming troubles away. He'll just have to follow Niki's train of thoughts and act accordingly. Yeah, nothing to worry about really. He'll just go with the feeling of the moment and be his usual charming self. For now, Niki the lover must leave his thoughts; he has to focus on Niki the pilot. He looks out of the bathroom window and notices that the weather had gone very poorly during the night. James has never seen such showers in Germany.

 

When James arrives at the Mc Laren stand, everyone rushes to him at once “You were not in your room” “We've been looking for you for hours” “Big meeting” “Lauda”. Wait, what? When he has managed to calm everyone down, _yes_ _I'm_ _OK,_ _I_ _was just sleeping_ _somewhere_ , he understands that Niki has called a meeting of all the pilots. James wonders idly if it's about them, but discards the thought quickly, private life is private and Niki certainly doesn't want everyone to know what has happened the night before. James considers telling everyone just to annoy him. On his way to the conference room where Niki has set up the meeting, he notices that the rain has not stopped, quite the opposite. He's soaked to the skin when he enters the building. Inside, he grabs a cup of coffee a pretty girl, some receptionist of sort, is giving him and begins to chat her up. Within minutes she's laughing with him and probably already willing to go back to his hotel room if he asks her to. In a corner of the entrance hall, he finally notices Niki arguing with someone James doesn't know. He throws a last flashing smile at the girl and leaves her to meet Niki. Sadly, he doesn't have that chance. As soon as Niki meets his eyes, he grimaces, has a last word for the man he is talking to and leaves the room before James has the time to reach him. James calls after him but Niki doesn't bother to turn back. Burning with anger, James punches violently the door Niki has just passed. He lights a cigarette and another, but the nicotine does very little to calm his nerves. He reckons he'd better go to the meeting and deal with Niki personally later.

The pretty receptionist seems quite keen on showing him the way to the conference room so he simply follows her. When they reach the door, he can already hear loud discussions and concludes that he must late. He shrugs, enters the room and steals a kiss from the receptionist who blushes brightly and leaves the room. All pilots are already here, as far as he can see, talking noisily. Some of them witness the kiss and cheer loudly. He greets some of the pilots, but apparently none of them knows why they're here. They're all sat on chairs or leaning against walls, and when James looks up to see who's presiding the meeting, Niki's here, staring at him with disgust. _Well, fuck him_. The Austrian clears his throat and silence falls. Not one to bother with social niceties, Niki starts immediately by addressing the issue.

 

“I want to cancel the race”. Loud voices and laughs arise. “Here me out. This is the most dangerous race of the year, and with that rain, it's pure suicide to drive. I gathered you all here so we can discuss it.”

 

“Afraid you'll lose Lauda?” a roar of laughter follows the snarky comment.

 

“Who said that?” James notices one more time that Niki's accent is stronger when he's angry.

 

“I did” answers James as he leaves his dark corner to be seen by all. “I think you're scared and I think it's in your interest to cancel the race so you can keep your precious lead.”

 

“I'm trying to save your arses, I don't care about the points” retorts Niki. It shouldn't hurt that much that the comments come from Hunt, yet it does and Niki hates himself for it. He's not in the mood to argument with James but he knows the pilots love James more than him, surely there must be something he can do to convince them to cancel the race...

 

“Let's vote then.” All eyes are on James now. “Who wants to cancel the race?” A few hands rise, including Niki's.

 

“Who thinks Lauda's a wimp and wants to race?” The majority of the pilots follow his lead. Catching the look of utter disgust on Niki's face, James almost regrets his comments but his mocking smile never leaves his lips. _See Niki, that's what you get for leaving me alone this morning_ _and ignoring me earlier_.

 

A loud debate starts, dividing the pilots in two camps, but Niki is already leaving. He knows he can't let the anger takes the best of him, the race starts in two hours and he has to focus. Outside, the rain is still falling, Niki lets the rain wash away his worries. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and when he opens them again, he's already planing the race in his head. Two minutes later, he's back at his car, back to bossing the mechanics around.

 

 

 

***

 

James leaves the conference room as fast as Niki does, he doesn't care either about the pointless debates now that the decision's been made. He lights a fag and decides he has enough time to take the receptionist back to his hotel room before the race starts. As a matter of fact, she's already waiting for him in the hall. He takes her hand and runs with her under the rain but the sound of her laugh annoys him. She's definitely not the one he wants to have breakfast with this morning.

He arrives at the circuit ten minutes before the race starts after an unsatisfying fuck. He lights a cigarette, ignores his teammates cursing about his late arrival, and asks for a glass of scotch. No way he's going to make it sober. He downs the glass, gets dressed, vomits. He has a last reminder of the night's events when he sits in his car, grimaces at the dull pain worsens by the boring sex session with the receptionist. Holes are pierced into his helmet. Something to do with the rain or the condensation. Whatever. When the green light lights up, his mind goes blank from everything but the race and how to make it to the end.

 

 

 

***

 

If you were to ask James how he felt during the race, if he was conscious of the danger, he would look at you and laugh, because he always feels grand when racing and loves the danger for the adrenaline it brings. The more danger, the more pleasure. If you were to ask James how he feels about Niki, about the accident, he would tell you to “leave Niki the fuck alone” and walk away. If you were to ask James if it was easier to win when Niki wasn't there, he would punch you, but he wouldn't tell you that, during the second race, he was so high he thought he was chasing Niki's ambulance on the circuit.

 

 

 

***

 

If you were to ask Niki how he felt during the race, he would say that he doesn't remember anything after the start. He doesn't remember the accident, the flames, the heat, the pilots helping him out, saving his life, the ride to the hospital. His first memory is three doctors leaning over him, speaking non sense, and of course, the pain. The pain prevents him from focusing on anything, from thinking, from figuring out his chances. He can't remember how the hell he got there, but he's not overly surprised, it was bound to happen one day or another. He falls asleep immediately after that. Useless to stay awake when your body is betraying you.

 

The next time he wakes up, he's been asleep, well, almost dead really, for four days and a priest is leaning over him, mumbling in Latin. Niki removes the respirator from his mouth and tells quite loudly to the priest to “fuck off and never come back”. He only agrees to go back to sleep when the nurse has assured him that the priest had left the hospital.

 

It's raining when he regains consciousness the next time. He feels better, but barely. He deduces from the pain that his whole face must be more or less burnt, but the rest of his body seems to be better, although he still has trouble breathing. He doesn't care about how he looks as long as his body works, as long as he can race. He hopes he hasn't lost his skills, his instinct, his ability to drive, because he has to drive, he can't give up, not now that he was so close to be world champion again. And, of course, he can't let bloody Hunt drives without him, where would be the _point_? James' skills are wasted without him. As his are wasted without James.

When he opens lazily his eyes, he grimaces at the strong light hurting his eyes. Marlene is holding his hand while talking with a doctor. He squeezes Marlene's hand and she smiles at him, a bright smile, but he notices that she doesn't look directly in his eyes.

 

“Ugly, it it?”

 

“You're alive. That's all that matters”

 

“Indeed. When can I leave the hospital?” he turns to the doctor who's checking his vitals.

 

“Mr Lauda, you almost died and you're not even out of danger yet. I can't tell you when you can leave, but not before a few months I am afraid. Your burns are not what concerns me. You have inhaled a lot of smoke when you were in your car and your lungs are barely functioning.”

 

“Then do whatever it is you have to do to fix them. I cannot possibly miss the end of the championship. Who won the race by the way?”

 

“Hunt” answers Marlene. “About the accident, he said...”

 

“I couldn't care less about what he said. What matters is that he's going to win all the races if I'm not here and he won't even need to do his best.”

 

“Of course you care, darling. You can lie to yourself, but don't think for one second that I don't understand what's going on in your head.” Marlene nods to the doctor who leaves the room. The air is so cold in the room that Niki finds it hard to breath, but the way Marlene is looking at him hurts even more. “You care too much. About him, about the cars, about the races. Look where they all took you. I know I can't keep you from driving, or from caring about him for that matter, and I won't, but you have to understand that we can't possibly go through all that happens those last days again. I thought you'd died...”

 

“You know I love you.” sighs Niki.

 

“I know you do, and I love you too, but you love the races and you love racing with him more. And it's OK, I get it that you need that to feel alive, and that I'll never be enough.” She's smiling but tears are in her eyes and Niki feels guilt overwhelms him. “I don't mind it. We can work it out. Just... Please, try to be careful. Maybe lower your 20% risk to a 15?” She kisses his unburned cheek and leaves the room. Marlene has always been too clever for her own sake.

 

Staying in hospital is a nightmare. People usually think that Niki is a calm person, but he really is not, and it drives him crazy staying in bed all day. The worst part is not even the long examinations, nor the constant pain, nor the fact that everybody avoids looking at his face. No, the worst part is having to watch the races on the small television of his room when he should have been in his car. Hunt finishes fourth in Austria and wins in Netherlands. Watching the interviews, Niki finds that James looks more tired than usual, and bored, of course. Niki can recognize the fake smiles and the masks James puts on.

 

He makes two phone calls: he calls his crew first, to announce his return for the Italian Grand Prix; the second phone call is to Marlene, to ask her to bring him his helmet the next time she comes visiting.

 

 

 

 

***

 

Bored doesn't even begin to describe James' current state of mind. The races don't entertain him any more. It's not the same since Niki's gone. James is happy when he wins, less happy when he loses, but winning or losing doesn't have the same significance without Niki. James finds that finally, he doesn't care that much about winning the championship. What he cares about is beating Niki, being faster that Niki. Niki has become the fuel he needs to function. Everything seems so slow and tedious without him. When James makes a joke, he doesn't care if people laugh or not, he's not even seeing them, he's only looking around to see if Niki's here, if Niki's heard how funny he is, if he made Niki laughs. Until he remembers that Niki is in a hospital room somewhere in Germany and has better thing to do than thinking of how funny James Hunt is. Staying alive, for example, is a much better thing to do. James doesn't know if and when Niki will be back in his car, doesn't ask, and doesn't pay him a visit at the hospital.

Guilt is a strange thing, really. New, too. Another thing to add to the list “ _what has changed in_ _James Hunt_ _since_ _he_ _met Niki_ ”. Not that someone is counting, of course. It's not that James is afraid of how badly Niki will be hurt or of seeing him. He can always deal with Niki when they're face to face, even if from an exterior point of view, they look like they're going to kill each other. Truth is, James is afraid of _not_ seeing Niki. Afraid of going to the hospital and to hear doctor tell that Niki doesn't want to see him, ever again, that there is nothing he can do and that he has ruined everything. Usually when James fails at something, it's never a big deal, there's always someone happy to clean up the mess he's made, but no one can help him if Niki doesn't want to see him. The thing is, Niki has actual reasons to hate him this time. After all, it's more or less James' fault if Niki's come so close to be dead. Of course, the accident was caused by a car failure, but if James hadn't forced him to take the race, he would still be here, racing and hopefully also spending his nights with James. If James hadn't come to his room the night before, Niki would have been in a better shape in the morning and able to control his car. If he hadn't been such a stupid selfish dick...

The parties are wilder than ever. Girls, alcohol, cocaine, he uses all, carelessly. Everything to avoid thinking about Niki who almost died and who hates him because everything's his fault. No one stops him when he goes too far, nobody's here to call him an idiot and makes him come back to his senses. He's always been game for everything but now things have gotten out of control and he doesn't know how to stop. It reminds him a bit his time with Suzy, when he couldn't race and couldn't face her, when he stayed home all day, drinking and smoking endlessly. Except that now he can race, he can win, even, but it's not enough.

James learns that you can feel utterly alone in the middle of a crowd cheering for you.

He writes a letter, then a second, then a third. Eventually, he burns them all, lights a cigarette, then a second, then a third. He doesn't know what to say. The third letter is two pages long, the only words, repeated a hundred times, are “I'm sorry”.

 

 

 

***

 

Niki doesn't know what hurts more: the physical pain he feels when he tries to put his helmet on or the fact that he's not able to do it and what it means for his carrier. Marlene looks at him with worry in her eyes, but she will have better reasons to worry if he can't drive any more. A few months before, he would have just find another hobby and becomes the best at it, but now he would be a fool to think driving is just something he does to pass time. He's too young to stop driving, he hasn't won enough races, enough championships. So he closes his eyes, grits his teeth and lower the helmet over his bandages, again, and again.

 

 

 

***

 

 _Niki is back. Niki is going to race in Italy._ _It's a miracle, Niki's a genius, the best driver ever._ Everyone keeps talking about Niki, praising Niki since the big news of his return. James already can't stand thinking about Niki all the time but it's even worst when the whole world around him is here to remind him of fabulous Niki is. All the pilots think he's rude and insensitive when he tells them to fuck off every time they try to talk about Niki with him, but he just can't tell them the truth. _We fucked and it was beautiful and I can't get him out of my head_. Suddenly, everyone loves Niki and hates James and none of it makes sense. James is better looking, a better driver and yet they all talk of Niki like he's the Messiah.

The night before the qualifications in Italy, James looks like shit, smells like shit, but in a drunken haze he stills manages to fuck the receptionist of his hotel. He hasn't had a single satisfying climax since that night in Germany.

 

 

 

***

 

Niki leaves the hospital after forty-two days. Two days before the race, Niki testes his car on the private Ferrari circuit. He can't move up a gear. The day before the race, he qualifies at the fifth position.

 

 

 

***

 

An hour before the race, James decides he's a big boy and goes to the Ferrari stand, hoping and not hoping Niki would be here. He's prepared a hundred 'hello' lines, and topics, and apologies, but when he gets a good sight of Niki, his mind goes blank and he forgets what is it he wanted to say. The burns are worst than what he expected. He doesn't even know he was expecting anything really. Despite all, he usually doesn't think too much about Niki's looks – apart from “he's pretty when he smiles” or “his curls look so soft”. Niki finally spots him watching, pulls a face and walks toward him. It's too late to run away so James resumes his inspection of his rival's face. He can watch Niki face closely now, he notices all the changes, the burnt flesh, the half-missing ear, the shorter hair, but what he notices above all, is the things that haven't change. Niki's sharp, calculating eyes, his prominent teeth, the mix between annoyance and affection on his face whenever James is around.

Niki doesn't tell him that he's the first person who looks at him in the eye and doesn't look disgusted and that he's glad for that. What he does tell him, in a rather sharp tone, is “Are you done with the staring yet?”

 

“You know, you’re the only guy who can have his face burnt off and it would be an improvement.”

 

“Fuck off”. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, he adds “it was worst the days just after the accident. But of course, you wouldn't know.”

 

“Look, it's not like that. I wanted to come, I really did, except I wasn't sure _you_ wanted to see me. I wrote you letters, but it wasn't good enough. I felt so bad and I...” One thing is sure, James hasn't come here to talk about feelings and insecurity so he's quite glad when Niki cuts him off, even if it's to insult him.

 

“You felt bad? _You felt b_ _ad_? How can you be so selfish? I was the one fighting to stay alive, alone in a cold hospital room while you were out there, racing, partying and fucking.” Niki snorts.

 

“You have no idea, have you? I basically put you myself in this hospital bed. These scars on your face... They're here because of me, I made them... I was so damn angry that day, you were acting so fucking weird and bitchy, I couldn't think straight.”

 

“No, of course, you never think. That's your problem. It's just a game for you. “Hey let's treat Niki like shit, he doesn't care, he has no feelings” “Hey let's fuck Niki, it will be fun” “Hey let's flirt with a woman in front of him two hours after, he won't mind, it was just meaningless sex.”” Niki is breathless by the end of his tirade and his eyes are shining with utter fury. He hadn't wanted his first meeting with James to go that badly, he hadn't intended to go that far and to say such things, but it feels good in a way, letting it all out of his system. James doesn't shout back, no, with his bare feet and his ugly shirt, James just roars with laugher.

 

“Is that your way of saying you like me?” he says, with a wicked smile.

 

_Yes._

 

It's a relief, such a relief for James to find that Niki is just as confused and angry at the entire world for those unwanted feeling than he is. Niki mumbles something that sounds a lot like “arsehole” and turns back to join the engineer checking his car. James grabs his arm before he has time to leave and Niki remembers very clearly that the last time James has caught him like this, they ended up having stupid (good) sex. He blushes at the thought but regains his usual blank face quickly enough to look into James' eyes.

 

“Tomorrow, during the race. Don't do anything stupid.” James shivers but his voice is steady. “It actually sucked racing without you. There's a fine difference between winning the race and winning it by beating your arse.”

 

“Is that your way of saying you missed me?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again ! 
> 
> Things kinda get better at the end, a bit too fast perhaps but I couldn't stand seeing the boys unhappy for too long.  
> Chapter 3 (a short epilogue) will arrive by the end of the week. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy, if you didn't, don't hesitate to tell me why !  
> Btw if some of you want to talk my username is the same on Tumblr, drop an ask !


	3. Running so hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Italy, Canada, USA, Japan. End of story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't owe anything. Characters from the movie Rush, title and lyrics from Two Fingers by Jake Bugg.

  
_So I hold two fingers up to yesterday_   
_Light a cigarette and smoke it all away_   
_I got out I got out I'm alive and I'm here to stay_

***

Niki finishes fourth in Italy. Ronnie Peterson's victory is quickly forgotten because Niki Lauda finishes fourth. The Austrian seems either not to be aware or not to care one bit about this new wave of fame. 

 

James doesn't finish the race. 

 

There's a big party that night, in honour of Niki. James goes, of course. Niki goes too. At 10pm, James is not drunk and doesn't intend to be. He takes Niki's hand and steals it from a group of girls. He leads Niki to a dark corner, congratulates him for his race, kisses him on the cheek and leaves the club with a wicked smile. He feels good in the cold night. He feels free.

 

***

 

In Canada, James learns that he lost nine points from his victory at the British Grand Prix and that Niki gained another three points. First British to win this race in twenty years and Niki has to take that from him. He wins the Canadian Grand Prix and Niki finishes eighth but Niki is still leading by eight points. James wants to punch him but instead, he takes advantage of them posing side by side with other pilots for a photograph to grab viciously Niki's arse. 

 

Niki never explained why he looks so red on that photograph.

 

***

 

At the US Grand Prix, the weather is appalling. James wins, again. Niki, struggling with over-steer on hard tires in the cold, barely beats Jochen Mass to the line to keep his third place. When he steps from his car and removes his helmet, he reveals a balaclava soaked in blood. 

James asks Niki if he's angry for losing _and_ for looking like a slaughtered rat, so Niki removes his bloody bandages and throws them to James who runs away, laughing madly. 

 

***

 

It's raining in Japan. There's fog and running water at several places on the track. There are intense debates as to whether the race should start; in the end the organisers decide to go ahead. Niki is not happy. He retires during the race. James needs to finish at least in the fourth position to win the championship. After a tyre problem, James lost his leading position and drops to fifth place. To his surprise, he overtakes two drivers, finishes third. He beats Niki by one point. It's the greatest day of his life.

 

Afterwards, when a journalistasks him how he feels about being world champion, James says he wishes he could have won the title with Niki. Niki hears him, calls him, gives him the finger and smiles brightly. 

 

That night, James sneaks in Niki's room. 

 

“You're not going to your big party?”

 

“I am and I'm taking you with me.”

 

“Is that so? What if I don't want to go with you? You know you only won because I gave up, right?”

 

“Well, in this case, I can still do that.” James closes the gap between their mouths and runs slowly his tongue over Niki's lower lips until Niki purrs and leans into James' embrace. James presses Niki against the nearest wall of the room. Still kissing his rival, he unbuttons gradually Niki's shirt, careful not to hurt him.

 

“Are you trying to get into my pants, Mr world champion?”

 

“I don't know, is it working?”

 

_Yes._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank each and every one of you for the comments and the kudos and the hits. You guys are the best, you have no idea how good it feels to receive a good review and think "whoa I did something right today" and I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for your support.
> 
> This epilogue is a bit short, but it feels right to end it this way, and we get a happy ending so yay ! 
> 
> I have other ideas in mind for this pairing so expect to see me again soon. 
> 
> Byyye !

**Author's Note:**

> Oh wow, thanks if you managed to stay until the end. Comments and kudos are much appreciated.


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